Lost and Found
by xotakux2002x
Summary: Cleaning out on moving day results in unpleasant things for Hidan and Kakuzu. light kakuhidan, zettobi, and sasodei


"Did you pack the plates yet?" Kakuzu called out from the living room where he was packing the last of the coasters into a cardboard box.

"No, because a certain cheapskate dumbass wanted me to wrap them in t-shirts to save on packing costs!" Hidan replied from the bedroom. "I've gotta fish those out of the closet first."

Currently, Kakuzu and Hidan were moving out of their old apartment. The place was homey, in a poor college kid kind of way, but Hidan had finally finished his degree and was about to start work at a job that not only paid twice as much as he'd made flipping burgers but also came with a friendlier work schedule. As a result, the miser and masochist were moving to a nicer apartment with decent AC and neighbors that probably weren't drug dealers. However, the pair had been living in their current apartment long enough to acquire plenty of junk, and as a result the moving process was taking longer than expected.

"Hidan, where do you want the DVDs?" Kakuzu called out, pulling another stack off the bookshelf as he did so. When Hidan didn't respond for a few moments, Kakuzu yelled a bit louder. When even this failed to garner a reply, Kakuzu wove his way through the piles of cardboard boxes stacked high in the living room and made his way to their shared bedroom. "Hidan, where do you want…oh Kami."

Hidan was sitting on the floor by the bed, surrounded by dusty shirts, shoes, and other various items that had been shoved under the bed long ago, never again to see the light of day until they were cleaned out come moving time. Hidan was no longer extracting junk from under the bed, however; instead, he was looking at a bright blue scrunchie in his hand, decorated with multicolored fireworks and a tiny embossed scorpion.

"Tell me that isn't Deidara's scrunchie," Kakuzu begged.

Hidan remained silent.

"Deidara's most prized and cherished possession?"

"…"

"The scrunchie Sasori got for him on his first birthday after those two started dating?"

"…"

"The scrunchie Sasori picked out on the advice of Deidara's grandmother, who helped Deidara come out of the closet shortly before she died?"

"…"

"The scrunchie that, when Deidara lost it, caused him to be inconsolable for a month after he looked everywhere for it, literally ripping up the carpets in his house to try and find it?"

"…"

"The scrunchie that you promised him you would look for here, before swearing on Jashin himself that you looked all over and still couldn't find it? That scrunchie?"

Hidan finally glanced to Kakuzu and gave him a truly pitiful look. "How much trouble would I be in if I said yes?"

"You remember that party we went to last year, where you tipped over the spiked punch onto a scented candle and managed to set the whole living room and several guests on fire?"

"Yes?"

"That fallout will pale in comparison to what Deidara's going to do to you."

"Shit, we've gotta do something!"

"We? Who is this we? I'm staying out of the crossfire this time," Kakuzu declared.

"Ah, come on 'Kuzu, you took a vow!" Hidan whined, pointing to the wedding band on his finger. "Remember that for better or worse part? Well this is fucking worse!"

"The vows also say until death do us part, and I'm hedging my bets on the death thing coming pretty soon after Deidara finds out you have his scrunchie."

"Better or worse comes before death, Jashin damnit!" Hidan argued. "I'll get Itachi to back me up; he's a friend, he'll do pro bono legal advice for me!"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes; desperation did not bring out the best in Hidan. "Fine, I'll help. But if things go horribly wrong, I can't promise I'll be able to stop Deidara from maiming you."

Hidan jumped up and hugged Kakuzu tightly. "You're the best!"

"And you're a dumbass," Kakuzu grumbled, but hugged the zealot back. "Ok, we can't just drop it off at their apartment; Deidara would know that it wasn't in his stuff when he and Sasori moved in together."

"Maybe hide it under the seats in his car?" Hidan suggested.

Kakuzu gave Hidan a look of disbelief. "Hidan, Deidara literally took apart his entire vehicle in his search, right down to popping off the screws holding up his mirrors, and made Kisame reassemble the whole thing afterwards. I'm certain he checked under the seats at some point."

"Jashin damnit," Hidan growled. "Maybe mail it to him? You know, like an anonymous act of good will?"

"…We might be in over our heads here."

"So what the hell do we do?"

-one phone call and car ride later-

Hidan and Kakuzu had gone to the penthouse of the one lawyer in town they knew would understand their predicament instead of laughing them out of the office. They had walked into the office, sat down in front of a large oak desk, produced the scrunchie for their friend and explained the entire story, before settling back into plush seats as they waited to hear Itachi's advice. Now, the Uchiha was staring at the scrunchie sitting in the middle of his desk, his face impassive as he shook his head ever so slightly. Even by Hidan's standards, this was a royal clusterfuck. "Hn."

"I know, we really fucked up!" Hidan whined. "But you've gotta help us! You know what Deidara's like when he gets super pissed."

"Technically, only you fucked up," Itachi clarified. "Kakuzu, as your legal counsel I advise you to distance yourself from this matter as quickly as possible."

"He took a vow!" Hidan shouted, pointing violently to his wedding band. "Better or worse, Jashin damnit!"

"That might be legally admissible," Itachi admitted. "I retract my previous advice, Kakuzu."

"So what do we do?" the banker inquired.

"That is…tricky." Itachi leaned back in his chair, staring at the scrunchie thoughtfully. "We may need to enlist some outside help. We are dealing with someone who isn't going to be in their right mind when the scrunchie is turned over to him."

"Any ideas?"

"Hn."

-n-

RING RING

Tobi poked his arm out from under his comforter and fumbled around the nightstand, blindly searching for his phone without poking his head out. This was the first day off he and Zetsu had had in a very long time, and the two of them were trying to sleep in as late as possible. His fingers finally wrapped around the phone and flipped it open, bringing it to his ear as he yawned. "Hello?"

"Tobi, it's Hidan."

"Oh, hi Hidan!" Zetsu let out a soft groan beside him, prompting Tobi to drop his voice down to a whisper. "What's up?"

"Hi. Listen, Kakuzu and I-ow, fuck! I mean, I have a slight problem."

Tobi's mind woke up a little more upon hearing that. "What is it?"

"You remember Deidara's scrunchie? Well, I sort of maybe found it-"

"Tobi's not touching that with a ten foot pole," the Uchiha stated flatly. "Sempai's going to murder Hidan's face off and Tobi's staying out of it."

"Tobi, please!" Hidan begged. "I'm a dead man without you! You're good at dealing with crazy on a pretty regular basis; fucking give me some advice here!"

Tobi narrowed his eyes, even though he knew it was pointless since Hidan couldn't see him. "Tobi does not appreciate Hidan calling his boyfriend crazy."

"What, Zetsu? No, I, er, meant that you're around Deidara so much that you'd definitely know what to do when he gets really upset!"

"Tobi, what's going on?" Zetsu groggily asked from beside him. "**Who the hell's shouting?"**

"Hidan found Deidara's scrunchie and now he's gonna die."

"Zetsu, talk some sense into him!" Hidan screamed loud enough to be heard by Zetsu.

Zetsu was not much of a morning person to begin with, and certainly was not put in a better mood by finding out that Hidan was the cause of his early wakeup call. "Tobi, just tell him that he needs to get Sasori on his side. There's no other way. **And then hang up the damn phone**."

"Zetsu says you'll need Sasori's help," Tobi explained. "Goodbye!" And before Hidan could voice any additional protests, Tobi had hung up the phone. "How rude."

"Mhm," Zetsu grumbled, pawing at Tobi to scoot back down onto the bed and snuggle closer. "Think Deidara's really going to kill him this time?"

Tobi shrugged and buried himself against Zetsu's chest, smiling as the schizo began playing with his hair. "Hell hath not the fury of a sempai scorned."

-n-

On the other end of the phone, Hidan was looking especially distraught. "He says my best bet is to talk to Sasori."

"Itachi?" Kakuzu asked, looking to the Uchiha for input.

"It'll be the difference between murder and involuntary manslaughter," the lawyer decided. "At least if Sasori kills you, it'll be quick." Hidan began to whimper.

-n-

Sasori came over to Kakuzu and Hidan's apartment later that evening, after receiving a call from the miser asking him for help moving. However, he'd arrived to find the pair looking visibly distressed, with no boxes in sight to move. "Hey there…" he began, looking over the two of them with confusion in his eyes. "Is something wrong?"

"Show him," Kakuzu ordered. Hidan gulped, gave Sasori the most pitiful look he could muster, and placed Deidara's scrunchie on the countertop.

Sasori, to his credit, did not immediately leap across the granite surface to choke out the Jashinist. "Is that Deidara's scrunchie?" he asked, voice surprisingly calm as he stared at the hairpiece.

"Yes."

Sasori looked up to Hidan now. "Aside from his engagement ring, this is Deidara's most prized possession. He cried for three solid weeks after losing this. I had to reupholster every piece of furniture we owned because he tore them all to shreds looking for that damn thing."

"Sasori-"

BAM

Kakuzu raised a brow as Hidan stumbled backwards and fell to the floor, clutching his jaw in one hand. "Nice shot," he remarked.

"Fuck you, Kakuzu, whose side are you on?!" Hidan shouted.

"The side that keeps you from getting killed." Kakuzu turned to Sasori, who was clearly seething and seconds away from beating Hidan into a bloody pulp. "Sasori, I know that you probably want to break Hidan's neck right now, but wait a minute. Hidan didn't mean to upset you two so much; he wasn't being malicious, he's just an idiot."

"Hey!"

"Do you have any idea how hurt Deidara was losing this?" Sasori hissed, making Hidan whimper and shrink back from his seat on the floor. "And I couldn't do a damn thing about it to make him feel better."

"At least I owned up to it, didn't I?!" Hidan shot back. "I could've burned the damn thing or thrown it out, but I fucking went to Itachi and Tobi and you so I could return this Jashin-damned scrunchie!"

"I suppose that counts for something," Sasori grudgingly admitted. "But if you think that I'm just going to be able to hand this over to Deidara without him asking any questions, you're sorely mistaken. Someone's head is going to end up on the chopping block for this, and I can promise you right now that it will not be mine."

"We're not expecting you to take the fall for this," Kakuzu quickly assured his friend. "We just need your help in figuring out a way to get this back to Deidara with the least amount of bloodshed possible."

"…If I help you two with this, you're going to be doing my taxes for the next ten years," Sasori bluntly informed Kakuzu. "No arguments, no negotiations."

"Deal!" Hidan exclaimed before Kakuzu even had a chance to voice his objections.

"All right. I have one idea; it's risky, and there's a slight chance Deidara will see right through it, but it's the only option we have that might let us walk out of this mess in a single piece."

"We're listening."

-later that night-

Deidara smiled as he heard the sound of the apartment door opening and closing; Sasori was finally home. "I'm in the kitchen danna," he called out as he stirred the tomato sauce on the stove before him. Normally he'd walk out to greet Sasori after a long day of work, but if he left the sauce unstirred it would burn and stick to the bottom of the pot.

Moments later Sasori walked into view, several empty suitcases tucked under his arms. Deidara raised a brow at the sight. "Going somewhere, un?"

"Grandma Chiyo was throwing these out," Sasori explained as he set the bags on the ground and crossed the room to give Deidara a kiss. "Our old bags got pretty torn up during the move, so I decided to take them off her hands so we don't have to buy a new set."

"Mm, good thinking," Deidara murmured as he initiated a string of soft kisses. As hyper and bouncy as the blond normally was, he quite enjoyed these occasional calm moments where he and Sasori could just take pleasure in each other's company.

His attention, unfortunately, was pulled away from the redhead when the tomato sauce began to boil. "Whoops, un."

"Here, I'll stir for a while," Sasori offered, slipping in between the blond and the stove. "Can you take the bags into the bedroom for right now?"

"Sure thing, un."

Sasori waited until he was certain that Deidara was walking down the hallway with the bags before he spoke again. "Deidara, I just remembered, I put my wallet in one of the bags! Could you fish it out for me?"

"Yeah, un." Sasori heard the sound of rustling fabric, followed by a soft 'thud' that probably came from Deidara setting the bags on the ground. "Danna, which one…?"

Sasori smiled to himself and turned the stove burner completely off in preparation for what was about to happen. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1-

WHAM

Sasori had the wind knocked out of him as Deidara glomped the redhead and sent them both tumbling to the floor. "EEEEEEEE!"

"What is it, Deidara?"

A certain familiar hairpiece was suddenly thrust into the Akasuna's face, partially obscuring his vision as Deidara excitedly bounced up and down on his lap. "It's my scrunchie, danna! Look look look, un!"

"What?" Sasori asked, feigning surprise. "But where-"

"It was in the front pouch of the red suitcase, un!" Deidara quickly took off the ribbon that normally held his hair in place and then tied the blond strands back with the scrunchie. "I must have left it in there after our camping trip, un!"

"I told you it would turn up eventually, didn't I?" Sasori asked with a smile. So far, things seemed to be working.

"Yeah, un!" Deidara suddenly wrapped the Akasuna in a tight embrace and began kissing him everywhere he could reach. "Sasori danna, if you hadn't gotten these suitcases when you did, my scrunchie would be gone forever! You're my hero, un."

The redhead smirked and pushed himself up off the floor, sending Deidara toppling backwards and landing on the kitchen tile. "Well then, Deidara," he all but purred, crouching down over the blond, "is there something you'd like to do to reward your hero?"

Deidara grinned and yanked Sasori down for a kiss, the sauce cooking on the stove now completely forgotten.

-n-

Several hours later Kakuzu's phone began to ring, and the caller ID informed him that Sasori was on the other end of the line. Eager to hear how their plan went, the miser quickly answered the phone, motioning for Hidan to quiet down. "Hello?"

"Everything's taken care of now," Sasori informed him. "Deidara has the scrunchie and isn't planning to murder anyone."

Kakuzu breathed a sigh of relief and gave Hidan a thumbs-up, prompting the Jashinist to do a silent victory dance around the living room. "You're sure it's all right to let Chiyo take the fall for this?"

"Deidara thinks it was just the honest mistake of an old lady. And if even he was upset, he'd never bring it up to her because then she'd turn around and start demanding to know why we haven't given her great-grandbabies yet."

"…Your grandmother is aware that Deidara is a boy, right?"

"Quite, but she's gotten just about every adoption agency in the country to forward pamphlets to us by now." A rustling noise in the background on Sasori's end interrupted their conversation. "Looks like Deidara's up for round five. Talk to you later." And with that, Sasori hung up the phone.

Kakuzu frowned and pocketed his phone, and then looked up at Hidan (who was still in the middle of a victory dance). "Well it sounds like everything worked out nicely on Sasori's end."

"Tch, figures," the Jashinist replied as he joined his husband on the couch. "The guy's a devious mastermind. Of course he could pull this off."

"Indeed. At least we can put this mess behind us and never speak of your excessive stupidity again. Now come on; we need to finish packing up our room."

"Right. Err, about that…"

"What?" Hidan looked extremely uncomfortable, making Kakuzu increasingly concerned. "Hidan, what did you do this time?"

Sheepishly, the Jashinist walked down the hall towards their bedroom. "I actually did a little more cleaning earlier, while you were in the shower…" he called out from their room.

"And?" Kakuzu demanded, not liking where this was going at all.

"And I found something else under our bed," Hidan finished, walking back into the room with his hands behind his back. He then took a deep breath, sat down on the couch by the miser, and thrust something into Kakuzu's lap. "Here."

Kakuzu looked down to see a small blue book, bound shut with a lock and slightly stained by what appeared to be spilled coffee.

The miser took a deep, deep breath before he spoke next, desperately trying to repress the urge to strangle his husband. "Hidan, please tell me this isn't Kisame's journal."


End file.
